skepticism to being sold

ever since i was a kid, i have always been an avid fan of documentaries, especially about the ins and outs of things that we normally don’t get to see on the daily - things like wild life, or bear grylls, and in most recent times, drug cartels and prisons. about a week ago, i was recommended a docu-series on youtube by my partner, she said “it was one of the best documentary she has watched in a while, and almost teared up a couple of time”. i wasn’t skeptical per say, but i am not very involved with politics or current affairs, and was afraid that i wouldn’t fully enjoy or even understand the context that the story was taking place in.

hence i decided to look it up and i realised that it was a three part series, each 45 minutes long. as much as it was the holidays, i didn’t want to waste away over two hours watching something that was subpar, as such i started searching on reddit, and reading some of the comments on the video. to put it simply, i was sold very soon.

what was the documentary about?

the documentary was filmed by a team of reporters from cna, who followed illegal immigrants who find all sorts of ways to cross the border in hopes of achieving their american dream. initially i was afraid that my lack of knowledge about current affairs would hinder the enjoyment of the documentary, however it was nothing like that. aside from politics, race, social status etc, it was the raw portrayal of human struggle, particular the lengths that people would go to for survival and hope.

moments to question

as i was watching the documentary, there were many instances that made me question my dispositions in life as well as many complains that i may have on the daily - taking the little things in life for granted when there are people on the other side of the world, “walking the line” in order to provide their children with a better future or fighting chance.

one particular moment that really struck me was when wei du (the main reporter) met with one of the families that she has been following after being 4 days apart.

the context for this part of the clip was that migrants had to squeeze into wooden boats, that clearly would not be able to properly survive the rough seas, before traveling to the darien gap where they would trek over 55km of mountains and rivers, which will take them up to 2 and a half days. exiting the darien gap would lead them to this island of panama, where this clip was shot in.

walk the line - not worth losing your life over your goal 2.mp4

my thoughts on what was said

“no matter what your goal is, it’s not worth losing your life.” a part of me agrees, but there is also a huge part of me that don’t agree with it. if you view your life as a blessing and something to really cherish, then yes perhaps, chasing after your dreams at the expense of your livelihood may be questionable.

not to turn this blog post into a brain dump, but i have always felt that no kid on this earth ever had a say when entering it, in that light, it isn’t right or wrong to say that life can be a blessing or a curse, which will in turn translate to how much you value your goals compared to your life.

conundrum in life

i have always been taught since young to always be grateful for things in life, no matter how big or small they are. when i was younger, i followed this religiously because it was the “right” thing to do, however as i grew older, i genuinely understood the nuance that the statement carries. in addition, i always reminded myself, that if i eveer can’t wrap my mind around “why i shouldn’t be ungrateful?”, to just tell myself that “there may be someone out there who is better off than me, but there is definitely at least someone out there worst off”.

however as humans, comparing is something that comes second nature to us. in the recent years, i found myself navigating social groups that tend to be of a higher ses (social economic status), despite coming from an average or at most slightly above average family.

things i often find myself comparing and why

i often find myself comparing with my friends - the houses they are living in, the number or type of cars they own, and even simply, the “safety net” that they can always fall back on. whenever i catch myself in such thoughts, i would always ask myself why?

• am i inherently jealous that i’m not in similar positions as my friends?
  • no, not really.
• is my family in a situation where we are struggling to put food on the table?
  • nope, at least not to my knowledge.
• then why are you being such an ungrateful little bitch?

i think the conclusion i often come to is that i am just afraid of trying, and failing. the reason why i always envy how my friends have a “safety net”, deep down its just an excuse for myself to not try, to not do thing that scare me, because “i can’t afford to fail”. perhaps, fear sometimes disguises itself as envy or ungratefulness.

so what’s the main point i’m driving at?

honestly, i’m not sure. at the beginning of this blog post, i wanted to share about the documentary that i watched during the week and how it really made me questioned certain “luxuries” i have in life. subsequently, i shared about the thoughts that i often find myself having, which makes me feel very ungrateful at times.

i guess at the end of the day, my mind’s really quite a mess, maybe writing a blog post once a week is more for myself to verbalise the thoughts rather than for whoever ever reads this, or if you do get some kind of value from this, then maybe its for you too.